I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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