I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Randomize
