I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
