Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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