Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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