woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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