If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
i've created a new STD.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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