On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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