I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
