yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
