I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
