Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
