I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
He shit in the fireplace
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