im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Randomize
