he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
whose parrot is this?
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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