i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
