so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
