I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize