Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
