The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
