Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
