Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Randomize
