fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
