His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
