i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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