who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
