And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
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