I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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