if i died would you start the facebook group?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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