Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
