I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
