My girlfriend figured out who you are.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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