Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
