The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Randomize
