He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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