Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
