Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
