It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
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You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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