maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
