If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
