Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
