you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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