Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
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Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
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Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
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