i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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