I could have mohawked her pubes.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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