I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
