its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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