So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Randomize
