oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
