She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
