Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
