Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
this beer tastes like vomit already
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
