Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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