You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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