I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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