when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
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She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.