someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
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