Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there