Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Randomize
