im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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