Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Randomize
