at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
