I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Randomize
