don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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