So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
3 2 1 whiskey
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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