i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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