I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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