He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
what is it with giant penises always finding me
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
