You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
